The gray area

Before having a baby I would say some things with complete certainty, "I am going to exclusively breastfeed! I am going to cloth diaper! I am going to have a natural labor!" And those are just things just about infancy, I have a whole other list of things that go with foods we are going to feed her, toys we want her to have, T.V., etc.
I am doing these things to a certain extent.
Labor: I had a mostly un-medicated labor, I took one dose of Staydol when I was dilated at 5cm. Labor was the hardest thing I have ever done and I understand completely why people get epidurals. At this point I still don't know whether at my next birth I will do un-medicated again. I probably will because I think the good outweighed the bad/pain, especially because second births are usually shorter than the first one.

Diapers: She doesn't yet fit in her fancy pocket one-size diapers yet. We do have some prefolds and I actually am starting to use them more, but mostly so far we have been using disposables. I fully intend on transitioning to cloth diapers, but I don't think we will give up disposables completely.

Breastfeeding: We are using some formula. You can read all the books you want before having a baby, the reality is very different. I know every situation and every baby is different and I hope that every mother will try her hardest to breastfeed. I do think that a lot of women give up too easily, but as other bloggers have wrote, that is mostly because our culture does not support breastfeeding; most women don't know where to turn when things get hard. It was kind of hard for us. I don't think she latches on perfectly and I have supply issues. I was having a lot of nipple pain; and no matter that the books say that is not normal, all the actual women I know who have breastfed say that pain is normal and that you just have to get used to it.
At this point I am feeding her from the boob, pumping, and giving a formula bottle once or twice a day. I broke down when she was three weeks (about a week ago). It was the middle of the night, she had been attached to me for probably an hour on both sides and yet was still crying because she was hungry. I cried and cried and went to Walmart and got some formula. I am happy with my choice actually. The breastfeeding part was not that hard, it is the time it takes and the lack of personal freedom that wore me down. She was eating every two hours or less. I remember looking at my sleeping husband and saying (in my head), "I hate you for not being able to do this." I was joking, mostly. She still eats a lot of her meals directly from me, but it made such a difference in me, psychologically, knowing that I didn't HAVE to be the one to feed her. I still will breastfeed until she weans herself or she is around two, whatever comes first.

Being a parent is awesome. Things are getting easier as they go along. I still don't get anything done around the house, but I'm sure I will learn how to do that at some point. But I have learned that it is very hard to keep a black and white thought process when it comes to parenting choices. I used to be one of those people who judged other Mothers for their choices and I still do about certain things, we all do, but now I see it from a different perspective and know that most things are located in a gray area.

Labor Story

Labor was the hardest most intense thing I have ever done.

Saturday morning I woke up just before 6 am with mild contractions. Not too painful but definitely "real" contractions. I started timing them and they were already coming about 4-5 minutes apart. After a couple of hours I called my doula who came over. I labored at home basically snoozing between contractions, then taking a walk, oh and vomiting a couple of times. At about 3 in the afternoon, I decided I wanted to go to the hospital. After planning a labor completely pain medication free, I had already changed my mind and wanted some Stadol.
When we got to the hospital I was admitted, checked and found to be dilated to about 4 cm. The nurse let me get in the tub right away. I found out later that that may not have been a good idea since I was relatively early in my labor, it may have stalled me a bit. I asked for pain medication but we decided that I should try to get a little further along first. So I labored a bit in the bed and on the toilet. When I was checked again at about 9 pm I was at 5cm, 100% effaced and at 0 station. I was given stadol. I wish I wouldn't have taken it. It really doesn't take away the pain at all, I just was able to zone out between contractions. But then when it wore off about an hour later, I wasn't used to the more intense contractions and so they were now even MORE painful.
So now the stadol had worn off and it is probably about 11pm. I get in the tub and labored in there for about an hour. I was already pushing during some of the contractions but I didn't know I was getting close. When I was checked at 9 pm was the last time I was ever checked, which I appreciated. Then I knew I needed to poop and really didn't want to poop in the bath tub. So I sat on the toilet and labored there for about an hour. I knew her head was about to come out but for some reason I didn't say anything. I thought I would jinx myself or something. It is the craziest feeling knowing you are about to tear and pushing through it. Finally I felt head pop out and I said, "I think she is crowning," while lifting myself off the toilet and getting onto all fours. My midwife said, "That is not crowning, the head is already delivered!" Everybody then scrambled to get pads and blankets on the floor and then, plop!, I pushed her the rest of the way out. The midwife caught her and handed her to me between my legs. It was crazy. I think Brad was really freaking out because he had no idea how close I was to being finished and then there she was all of a sudden. Then after a few minutes of being shocked, there on the bathroom floor, Brad got to cut the cord and hold her as I somehow stood up and got to the bed. It really was a surreal experience.

There is a video of most of this, and if I can get Brad to edit it to save at least a little of my modesty, I might put it up here. If you know me in real life and want to see it, just come on over (as long as you don't mind seeing my boobs)

We are now at home and trying to adjust. Kennedy is a very easy baby so far. She likes to suckle a lot though and my nipples do not appreciate it. I am very tired and sore. Brad is the best husband and father. He is helping me with everything and I have to remind him to rest or I know he will run himself out. He is only sad because he can't breastfeed as well to take some of the workload off me!

We are definitely still planning on cloth diapering, but I think we will wait until both her poop changes, and I am less sore and more able to help with laundry and everything.