Monday, June 29, 2009

How to Meet and Woo a Nerdy Girl

A great instructional list over at The Park Bench that I just had to share:

Tip #1: Know where to look.

The number one thing to know about nerdy girls -- they're probably not going to be doing body shots at the local sports bar on a Friday night. If they're out partying, it's over a micro-brewed pale ale in the quiet corner of their local hole-in-the-wall watering hole. Other good places to spot nerdy women: libraries, bookstores, used bookstores, any other place with books you can think of, comic book stores, knitting stores, craft stores, sitting in the park...reading a book, the local cat fanciers convention, at a midnight showing of "Alien" or in their living rooms, watching "Firefly" again.

Tip #2: It helps to look like this guy:

On the other hand, it helps to look like this guy too:

You're pretty much good either way.

Tip #3: Read lots of books.

Here’s the brutal truth: the nerd girl of your dreams is a brainiac. She’s going to know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff. You’re going to need to study up -- none of that sitting at the coffee shop with an unread copy of “The Waste Land” in your hand, trying to impress the shallow ladies. Your nerd girl will check to make sure that the spine on the book is cracked and cracked good. She likely also will ask you to compare “The Waste Land” to “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” If you have to resort to Cliff's Notes, do it surreptitiously. It’s like getting a butt implant – the nerd girls will know you’re faking it.

Tip #4: Don’t slack off on your video game skills.

One of the prime perks of dating a nerdy woman is that she will not yell at you for playing video games rather than, say, going shoe shopping with her. In fact, she likely will sit down next to you and pick up a controller. Here’s the thing though: she’s probably good at whatever game you’re playing so you better be good at it too. Whether it’s Mario Kart or Tiger Woods Golf or the bloody carnage of Grand Theft Auto, she will show no mercy. Practice, practice, practice!

Tip #5: Listen to NPR.

Nerd girls like to stay up to date on their current events…and they like to do it with the dulcet, sometimes somnolent tones of NPR broadcasters. Beware, though, of the onset of NPR depression which stems from listening to so much news and sad stories about flooding in Nova Scotia or the inequities facing migrant workers that you become convinced the world is doomed and there’s no use leaving your house in the morning. This will put a damper on your dating. However, this prevalent disease also will give you an out if you've had to slack off on your NPR duties – just say, “I had to take an NPR break. Sometimes it makes me sad.” This serves two purposes: it gets you off the hook AND it makes you look sensitive. Bonus!

Tip #6: Be interesting.

Whereas a lot of ladies want you to be rich, nerdy women just want you to be interesting. Do you have a comic book collection that spans decades and rests in a vault somewhere untouched by human hands? That’s kinda cool. Are you learning how to do animation so you can one day post the adventures of a hobo cat online? That’s kinda cool too. Maybe you build houses for the poor on weekends or spend an afternoon teaching creative writing to high school kids? Awesome and more awesome. It doesn't matter what you do, just do it well.

Tip #7: Know your pop culture references.

Know the complete works of the Nerd Holy Trinity: Joss Whedon, J.J. Abrams and Peter Jackson. Know that Nathan Fillion will always be on your girl’s “freebie” list. When she goes to church and thanks God that Robert Downey Jr. survived the 1980s so he could play Iron Man, say “Amen” right alongside her. And for the love of all that is sacred and holy, do not EVER get “Star Wars” and “Star Trek” confused: one has Wookiees, one has Shatner, it’s not that hard.

Tip #8: Compliment her by saying, “You remind me so much of Liz Lemon.”

This is truly the highest form of flattery for just about any nerdy woman. Liz Lemon is our patron saint. Her inability to wear high heels, keep food off her face or refrain from making penis jokes while holding a tower made of Legos in her hands makes us reflect fondly on our own quirks. We love her…and you should too.

Tip #9: Embrace her collectibles.

That is not a euphemism for something pervy. It’s just a fact. When you walk into her apartment for the first time and notice a glass cabinet filled with a miniature TARDIS, a sombrero-wearing Giles, a 17-inch Han Solo and a two-foot long replica of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, do not say, “What the hell is all this stuff?” Instead say, “What the hell? Why don’t you have MORE of this stuff? And may I mail order something for you?”

Tip #10: Be willing to go to conventions.

It’s just a thing we do. Relax and embrace it…and know that nine times out of ten, you’ll catch a glimpse of some nubile young woman dressed as a Princess Leia slave girl. It’s what the universe does to reward patience of our significant others.

Tip #11: Know what to do in a zombie attack.

We've been practicing for this one for a long time. We don't want to have to leave you behind.

Well, that about covers it. Congratulations on taking your first steps on the road to nerd girl nirvana. Know that you have selected the finest kind of woman possible. Way to go, champ!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Rpatz vs. Chick Norris

Oh god, this is so funny and stupid; but only if you like Twilight and/or have read those Chuck Norris sayings like, "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried." Yes those are very funny; but these are funnier. These great sayings were posted on Letters To Rob, which is a hilarious blog about all things Robert Pattinson.

So without further ado, the list:

1. Robert Pattinson does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Robert Pattinson.

2. Robert Pattinson can dazzle you with his eyes closed.

3. Robert Pattinson can make trees bend to him by *sparkling*.

4. Robert Pattinson doesn’t own a house, he walks into random ones and the owners are happy to leave.

5. The original plan for the first GPS system was to track Robert Pattinson’s every movement.

6. In Robert Pattinson, you can always find a party.

7. Weapons of mass destruction weren’t found in Iraq, they were found in Robert Pattinson’s pants.

8. The leading twinkle lights claim they can dazzle 99.99 percent of people..

9. Robert Pattinson can dazzle 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.

10. When Robert Pattinson falls in water, Robert Pattinson doesn’t get wet. Water gets Robert Pattinson.

11. Robert Pattinson destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of ~dazzle~.

12. Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity was; if Robert Pattinson ~dazzles~ you, your relatives will feel it.

13. Robert Pattinson killed Cedric Diggory

14. Robert Pattinson can turn back time.

15. Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Robert Pattinson. He only has two needs: ~dazzling~ people and finding people to ~dazzle~.

16. Robert Pattinson isn’t just Pretty in Pink, he is Mindblowing in Pink.

17. Robert Pattinson plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

18. Robert Pattinson got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Robert Pattinson for every answer.

19. Love stops in the name of Robert Pattinson.

20. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Robert Pattinson.

21. Robert Pattinson asked for a love song. Sara Bareilles wrote it.

22. Robert Pattinson can divide by zero.

23. Robert Pattinson can have his cake and eat it too, except he doesn’t like cake. Cake died from embarrassment.

24. Robert Pattinson knows the solution to global warming. He just won’t tell because he enjoys the sun -it makes him sparkle.

25. Robert Pattinson can’t speak french...just kidding.

26. Robert Pattison can dazzle faster than the speed of light.

27. Robert Pattinson listens to bands that don’t even exist yet.

28. Robert Pattinson pissed in a bottle. This product is now known as “Vitamin Water”

29. If you ask Robert Pattinson what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he ~dazzles~ you.

30. Robert Pattinson did not lose his virginity, he stalked and destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

31. Um... yeah.... instead of saying "sexy" we should just say "robert pattinson"
Robert Pattinson brought sexy back.

32. If you spell Robert Pattinson in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

33. Robert Pattinson is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Robert Pattinson.

34. Robert Pattinson once ate three steaks in an hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress.

35. There is no night and day. Only Robert Pattinson saying “lumos”

36. Robert Pattinson doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

37. The light at the end of the tunnel is actually Robert Pattinson.

38. Robert Pattinson is never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and desert you.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

My life has changed..... and my blog

Okay, so I don't think I mentioned this, but I was looking into beauty school for a while and a few weeks ago I actually signed up, and this week I started! Monday night was orientation and we got our kits then. It was amazing, I got about $1000 worth of stuff all at once like a blow dryer, curling iron, flat iron, shears, clippers, clips, manicure set, and the list goes on. I am doing it full time so I go Tuesday through Saturday 8:30 am to 4:00 pm. I have been home without a job for so long that it is great to be around people again. Although beauty school is very drama filled. Imagine 10-20 girls in a room for seven hours a day. Yeah.

Tuesday (first day of class) we learned how to shampoo a client. Wednesday we did our first haircuts (on mannequin heads of course). Today we put perm rods on our mannequin heads. It is so fun.

On the diet front I am only down about 15 pounds. I really need to up the exercise, that is my main problem. I am doing fine on the diet front. My new drinks of choice are the Sobe water and Vitamin water; the ones that are sweetened with Stevia (a natural sweetener). Low carb, but still taste great. I think just being at school should help with the physical fitness part at least a little since I am on my feet most of the day.

If you haven't noticed I completely changed the look of my blog. I added a Twitter widget because I actually update that more than I have been updating my blog.

Whew, that was a lot of info to take in, huh? Well again I will try to update more, especially about beauty school and what I am learning.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Insulin-Resistance Diet

There have been a few changes in my diet and in my life!

1. I am still dieting, but not really doing the south beach thing anymore. I did the no carbs for two weeks and did lose ten pounds. I went to the library and got a few books on Insulin Resistance, which is what i have and what causes my PCOS. The book I am most following now is The Insulin-Resistance Diet. The main principle is to link and balance protein and carbs. I always eat protien with every meal and can only have 30 grams of carbs per meal. This will keep my insulin from spiking. If I have extra insulin in my body, it gets stored as fat. It has been very easy to do so far.

The IR diet doesn't restrict which carbs to eat, but I am taking some ideas from other books and my own knowledge and trying not to eat "bad" carbs. So yes, I could drink soda as long as I eat some protien with it, but I would rather not. The carbs I am mostly eating is whole grain bread, fruit, and I haven't yet, but probably lentils, quinoa, and brown rice. I have been drinking/eating a lot of dairy for my protein; about 2-3 glasses of milk per day with my meals, and string cheese with fruit for snacks.

I am still not doing so great on the exercise front. It is so hot here that I don't want to even go outside! I did blow up my exercise ball that I have and did about ten minutes of the DVD that goes with it. It is so hard!

2. We were trying to get pregnant this month (not sure why since our insurance just ran out and we have no money) and took clomid. I did ovulate but did not get pregnant. I know this because... I actually am on my period right now! I am very excited about that, that is the second best thing to being pregnant. Seems weird right, but that is because I rarely have a period normally and will go months without having one. That is a symptom of my PCOS. So I had a relatively "normal" cycle of 33 days. That is amazing, and is just a motivation to keep on this lower carb diet. If I can lose some weight and ovulate on my own, I should be able to get pregnant totally naturally!!!!!!!

3. But we will not be trying for a while now because... I just signed up for cosmetology school!!!! I start on June 23 and it is a ten month program. Unfortunately I found out that although I will get loans to pay for the schooling, they do not give any extra loans for living expenses, so I will most likely have to get a part time job. I am going to have to try hard to eat right while I am there for eight hours a day. I will probably have to bring a cooler with me will lots of good snacks like hard boiled eggs, string cheese, fruit, and veggies.

Well wish me luck, I will still try to update every week