Rpatz vs. Chick Norris

Oh god, this is so funny and stupid; but only if you like Twilight and/or have read those Chuck Norris sayings like, "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried." Yes those are very funny; but these are funnier. These great sayings were posted on Letters To Rob, which is a hilarious blog about all things Robert Pattinson.

So without further ado, the list:

1. Robert Pattinson does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Robert Pattinson.

2. Robert Pattinson can dazzle you with his eyes closed.

3. Robert Pattinson can make trees bend to him by *sparkling*.

4. Robert Pattinson doesn’t own a house, he walks into random ones and the owners are happy to leave.

5. The original plan for the first GPS system was to track Robert Pattinson’s every movement.

6. In Robert Pattinson, you can always find a party.

7. Weapons of mass destruction weren’t found in Iraq, they were found in Robert Pattinson’s pants.

8. The leading twinkle lights claim they can dazzle 99.99 percent of people..

9. Robert Pattinson can dazzle 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.

10. When Robert Pattinson falls in water, Robert Pattinson doesn’t get wet. Water gets Robert Pattinson.

11. Robert Pattinson destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of ~dazzle~.

12. Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity was; if Robert Pattinson ~dazzles~ you, your relatives will feel it.

13. Robert Pattinson killed Cedric Diggory

14. Robert Pattinson can turn back time.

15. Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Robert Pattinson. He only has two needs: ~dazzling~ people and finding people to ~dazzle~.

16. Robert Pattinson isn’t just Pretty in Pink, he is Mindblowing in Pink.

17. Robert Pattinson plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

18. Robert Pattinson got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Robert Pattinson for every answer.

19. Love stops in the name of Robert Pattinson.

20. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Robert Pattinson.

21. Robert Pattinson asked for a love song. Sara Bareilles wrote it.

22. Robert Pattinson can divide by zero.

23. Robert Pattinson can have his cake and eat it too, except he doesn’t like cake. Cake died from embarrassment.

24. Robert Pattinson knows the solution to global warming. He just won’t tell because he enjoys the sun -it makes him sparkle.

25. Robert Pattinson can’t speak french...just kidding.

26. Robert Pattison can dazzle faster than the speed of light.

27. Robert Pattinson listens to bands that don’t even exist yet.

28. Robert Pattinson pissed in a bottle. This product is now known as “Vitamin Water”

29. If you ask Robert Pattinson what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he ~dazzles~ you.

30. Robert Pattinson did not lose his virginity, he stalked and destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

31. Um... yeah.... instead of saying "sexy" we should just say "robert pattinson"
Robert Pattinson brought sexy back.

32. If you spell Robert Pattinson in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

33. Robert Pattinson is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Robert Pattinson.

34. Robert Pattinson once ate three steaks in an hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress.

35. There is no night and day. Only Robert Pattinson saying “lumos”

36. Robert Pattinson doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

37. The light at the end of the tunnel is actually Robert Pattinson.

38. Robert Pattinson is never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and desert you.