A picture of something I have peed on!

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I can't believe it has been a year. I wanted to tell Brad in some cool way, but I can't keep secrets at all, so I called him at work and told him. No fanfare or anything. I remember I could tell he was smiling over the phone and when he got home he was so in awe, we both were. I struggled with infertility and sometimes thought I would never get pregnant, now I can't wait to get pregnant again! Okay, I think we will wait a little while :)

So so happy

I have been yearning for a sewing machine lately and luckily my step-mom had one in the garage and let me have it!!!!! I finally finished some cloth napkins I started about four years ago. And I made my first purse from this tutorial.

It is pretty small, but I couldn't get the pattern to print at 200%. I will definitely make this again. I already want to start hand making all my Christmas presents!!!! You can look forward to many more crafts from me.

Here is a gratuitous Kennedy photo, I think this girl is going to have some red hair:

Bountiful Baskets

I have done a CSA before. I definitely liked it, but you have to pay upfront for like 12 weeks and it is expensive. Bountiful baskets is something we have here in Arizona (and some other south west states), where you order and pick up a basket of fruit and veggies. You can do it every week, or every other, or once and never do it again; what ever you choose. I did it for the very first time last week and it was amazing! Loved it. It is only $15 and I got so much stuff. This week I payed $25 for the organic basket, plus $7.50 for an italian pack. I just picked it up this morning and am excited to eat everything.

Here is a picture of the Italian pack, I thought it would just be herbs and such but it is that plus more! You can also order bread, and sometimes there are bulk orders of fruit or even cookies.

They try to get local whenever possible, but I think to them, that means California. That is one thing better about a CSA is that you are supporting a local, independent farm.

Recipes I am hopefully going to make this week are:

Rosemary Bread

Rosemary Chicken

Grilled Eggplant

Roasted Zucchini with thyme

Parsley Pesto

Green beans w/almonds and thyme

Spaghetti

Some sort of apple dessert

Some sort of nectarine dessert

Does anyone else have suggestions on how to use thyme, rosemary, and parsley?

Givaway on The Green Bird

I recently started reading The Crunchy Baby and now she has an etsy shop too, The Green Bird. There is a givaway going on over on that site. You could win a free lovey or a bib. Check it out

Pictures!

These are not very recent. They were probably taken around six weeks. I think she already looks different than this. I realized I have not posted a ton of pictures of her on here and I want to post more. I need to take more actually. I mostly take the same photo of her leaning back in the boppy pillow on the couch, because that is when I remember and the camera is always right there.

Photos were taken by a friend, photographer extraordinaire, Kelly Lawson

Three Months

Today Kennedy is 13 weeks old and tomorrow she will be three months old. The time has gone by so fast. Next week I go back to school at night. I will still be with her during the day but her daddy will now put her to bed every night, I will miss that!

We were having issues with breastfeeding this last week, I was scared that I would have to give it up. She just wasn't taking my breast. We are combination feeding and I think that she just likes that the bottle flows easier, without much effort on her part. I would offer the breast, she would start crying, so I would just give up and offer a bottle. But after looking into it I decided to not offer a bottle and just wait until she got even hungrier. It only took like five minutes of her crying and then she took my breast, just like that! Such a relief. We still struggle with it some, but I am determined to keep breastfeeding.

Kennedy is super strong. She loves to stand on my legs and prefers sitting up to lying down, assisted of course, if I let go she falls right over. We just got her a Baby Einstein Jumper which she is still a little small for so I add blankets to cushion it with and a book underneath for her feet to reach. She likes it ok, but I just know she will love it soon because she always wants to be upright.

I love the expressions that Kennedy makes, not only her smiles which melt me, but sometimes I see epressions of confusion and awe and they are just as cute. Her eyes hold such intelligence, like she understands already what is going on all around her.

I have heard many times that we are very lucky because Kennedy is a very easy baby. I can say that motherhood is pretty close to what I expected, even better because she is such a great sleeper.

They didn't have it all together

My sister was born when I was two and a half, when she about three weeks old, I broke my arm. I was sleeping with my parents in their waterbed and ended up falling off the bed and hitting my arm on the frame on the way down. My mom consoled me, made sure I could bend my elbow and wrist; I stopped crying and went back to sleep. In the morning my dad was about to go to work, my mom was caring for my sister and another baby she watched, when I walked out and said, "My arm still hurts." When my mom looked over, she could see my arm bone making my skin protrude. My dad said, "Okay, well I'm off to work!" and just left my mom to deal with it. She says he got a godsmack later that day when his pen exploded on his shirt.



I love this story.



I was talking to my mom last night and we were talking about other things that were going on at that time. My dad had been in a car accident when he was delivering papers for extra money and they were having trouble with the other guy's insurance company. My grandma, and both grandpas called the insurance company and gave them a piece of their minds. My parents ended up getting like $8,000 but had to use it to pay the hospital because when my sister was born they didn't have insurance. Also when my sister was born we were living in a house in Texas and my mom told me last night that my dad's mom helped them buy the house and paid half their house payment.



I think those times must have been really hard for them, but it makes me feel much better about where Brad and I are. I always thought of my parents as having it all together, but knowing that they were struggling financially when they first had us gives me hope about our situation now. Also knowing that their parents were still helping them fight their battles helps my pride. My car got towed about a month ago and my Mom went with me to fight the guy about it. I know now how my mom became the warrior she is today, for us. I see can see myself becoming more like that for Kennedy.



My parents are also the reason I will never be scared to change careers, they both went back to school in their fourties for their masters and my dad is even working on his doctorate right now. My dad completely changed his career (back) over ten years ago from accounting to ministry.



That is what makes me sad for many, many men out there. I think they feel that when they get married they must stop having fun and provide for their family even if it makes them completely unhappy. Yeah, some days I wish Brad made a lot of money, but I would rather he find what makes him completely fulfilled and happy and do that, and hopefully he makes money doing it too. I would rather be happy and poor than well off and unhappy. I always am aghast at the couple who adopts the baby in the movie Juno, but I think it is like that a lot, the wife pressures the husband to give up on his dreams because he is a "grown up" now. I would never ask Brad to stop playing music, or to move all of his "stuff" into one room because those things make him happy and he has just as much right to have his Godzilla toys on display as I have to keep my Twilight books out (we are dorks).

Summer

It is so hot here!!! It was 110 degrees the other day. I can't imagine what it will be like next summer when Kennedy is actually mobile and wanting to play outside and such. It is hard even now taking her places because she gets really hot and sweaty in her car seat and gets fussy.

Two things that I am really loving this summer and every summer:

1. Our pool. We have a diving pool in our backyard. I only started swimming in it a couple of weeks ago. It is like ten feet deep so it takes a long time for the water to get warm enough to tolerate. Swimming is my main form of exercise, okay, my only form. I am trying to do laps every couple of days.

2. My ice cream maker. This was in storage, but I made Brad get it out for me. I don't want to be making ice cream all the time, but I am making slushies. I just pour juice in it and turn it on and in like ten minutes I have a slushie, yummy! Mine is the fancy kind that doesn't need ice and salt, you just freeze the container. Right now I am doing an expiriment and making frozen hot chocolate.

Kennedy, she is awesome. She smiles all the time. She just had her two month appointment and weighs over 11 pounds now and is 21 1/2 inches. She got her first vaccinations, sob. It was so sad the face she made when the shots went in. Brad and I discussed vaccinations a lot. I read the Vaccine Book and was on the fence about them. I thought I wanted to do delayed selective, getting some of them, waiting to do some of them later. But we are just doing the regular schedule. Kennedy is a very healthy baby, we have no reason to think that the vaccines will effect her in any harmful way. I could change my mind later and when we have a second child I could feel differently then, who knows; but this is the right choice for us now.

I feel like I might be jinxing things by saying this, but Kennedy is a great sleeper. At least at night. Sometimes she doesn't take long naps during the day, which is frustrating for me; I get nothing done. But at night she sleeps at least 8 hours in a row then wakes up for diaper and some boob and then we sleep another couple of hours. I am very thankful, maybe deep down she knows that mama looooovvves to sleep!

Cloth diapers are going good. They are super easy, especially the urine only ones. Everyone should do them! We still use disposables too, probably two or three a day. My local Target just started carrying the Seventh Generation Chlorine Free diapers and I am happy! They are the same price and the others so why wouldn't you use them? For one second I fell for the, "Oh, these are plain brown and kinda ugly." but then I remember these are recepticles for my child shit and felt pretty stupid. Do I really need Pooh or Blue on my diaper's? NO!

Breastfeeding is going good too. We are still doing half from the boob, half formula. Pumping doesn't work for me really, I can't seem to let down. The one thing I am concerned about is going overnight without her eating or pumping, will that effect my supply? She breastfeeds about 5 or 6 times during the day, but none at all at night.

Here is a pic from today of Kennedy and my mom.

hurry before she wakes up....

Here is the latest picture of Kennedy, taken about an hour ago. Right before she got really mad at me for taking too long to feed her. Motherhood is pretty awesome. It is definitely easier because she is starting to give back. It is pretty frustrating to continually feed, diaper, and console a little being who doesn't even make eye contact with you, as it is in the first few weeks. But now that she is seven weeks old, she smiles, looks at me, and even caresses me a lot with her tiny hands. It makes you feel loved, and so the other stuff becomes even easier to do.

The major thing that is awesome, she sleeps 6-8 hours straight every night. I know I am very very lucky and I am probably jinxing myself by putting this out there. She eats a lot then falls asleep between 8-10 and then sleeps until 3-5. Then she wakes up, I feed her a little and then just me and her sleep for another couple of hours in bed together, because Brad leaves for work by then. She is sleeping in her co-sleeper at night now, but naps in the bed. She was sleeping in between us in bed for awhile, but it was just too uncomfortable for me. I was never afraid of rolling over on her, but I just didn't sleep very well and I missed having Brad right next to me. When she grows out of the cosleeper we will probably bring her in bed with us again, but we will push the bed against the wall and put her next to the wall, then me, then Brad.

The hardest part of all of this is being a stay at home mom and not having any other sahm friends. I go weeks without seeing anyone but my baby, husband and mom. I will go to the library and target just to get out of the house. I am super lonely. Logically I know I can't blame my friends, because I am not really calling them either, but I definitely feel like a leper that no one wants to hang out with. I am starting to make a real effort though.

Saturday night I took my baby to a bar.... well actually just the parking lot of a bar. Brad decided to go see a show where a few bands were playing. I drove him there and hung out for a bit in the parking lot, introducing Kennedy to some friends who haven't met her yet. I felt like I was exuding, "Talk to me, I need human interaction!!!!!" Then today we are having a bbq at our house, with my sister's friends. And I want to go to this group at the library; it meets every Friday morning and it is for babies 0-24 months. I also plan on starting to hula hoop, I wanted to go to the local group meeting on Sunday but Brad worked and my Mom is out of town, so I had to stay home with Kennedy. Then this weekend there is a party on Friday night, and a show on Saturday night that I plan on going to with Kennedy. And I will start actually calling (ok, texting) my friends and trying to make plans. Also I go back to school at the end of June so that will give me a daily fix of socializing then.

The gray area

Before having a baby I would say some things with complete certainty, "I am going to exclusively breastfeed! I am going to cloth diaper! I am going to have a natural labor!" And those are just things just about infancy, I have a whole other list of things that go with foods we are going to feed her, toys we want her to have, T.V., etc.
I am doing these things to a certain extent.
Labor: I had a mostly un-medicated labor, I took one dose of Staydol when I was dilated at 5cm. Labor was the hardest thing I have ever done and I understand completely why people get epidurals. At this point I still don't know whether at my next birth I will do un-medicated again. I probably will because I think the good outweighed the bad/pain, especially because second births are usually shorter than the first one.

Diapers: She doesn't yet fit in her fancy pocket one-size diapers yet. We do have some prefolds and I actually am starting to use them more, but mostly so far we have been using disposables. I fully intend on transitioning to cloth diapers, but I don't think we will give up disposables completely.

Breastfeeding: We are using some formula. You can read all the books you want before having a baby, the reality is very different. I know every situation and every baby is different and I hope that every mother will try her hardest to breastfeed. I do think that a lot of women give up too easily, but as other bloggers have wrote, that is mostly because our culture does not support breastfeeding; most women don't know where to turn when things get hard. It was kind of hard for us. I don't think she latches on perfectly and I have supply issues. I was having a lot of nipple pain; and no matter that the books say that is not normal, all the actual women I know who have breastfed say that pain is normal and that you just have to get used to it.
At this point I am feeding her from the boob, pumping, and giving a formula bottle once or twice a day. I broke down when she was three weeks (about a week ago). It was the middle of the night, she had been attached to me for probably an hour on both sides and yet was still crying because she was hungry. I cried and cried and went to Walmart and got some formula. I am happy with my choice actually. The breastfeeding part was not that hard, it is the time it takes and the lack of personal freedom that wore me down. She was eating every two hours or less. I remember looking at my sleeping husband and saying (in my head), "I hate you for not being able to do this." I was joking, mostly. She still eats a lot of her meals directly from me, but it made such a difference in me, psychologically, knowing that I didn't HAVE to be the one to feed her. I still will breastfeed until she weans herself or she is around two, whatever comes first.

Being a parent is awesome. Things are getting easier as they go along. I still don't get anything done around the house, but I'm sure I will learn how to do that at some point. But I have learned that it is very hard to keep a black and white thought process when it comes to parenting choices. I used to be one of those people who judged other Mothers for their choices and I still do about certain things, we all do, but now I see it from a different perspective and know that most things are located in a gray area.

Labor Story

Labor was the hardest most intense thing I have ever done.

Saturday morning I woke up just before 6 am with mild contractions. Not too painful but definitely "real" contractions. I started timing them and they were already coming about 4-5 minutes apart. After a couple of hours I called my doula who came over. I labored at home basically snoozing between contractions, then taking a walk, oh and vomiting a couple of times. At about 3 in the afternoon, I decided I wanted to go to the hospital. After planning a labor completely pain medication free, I had already changed my mind and wanted some Stadol.
When we got to the hospital I was admitted, checked and found to be dilated to about 4 cm. The nurse let me get in the tub right away. I found out later that that may not have been a good idea since I was relatively early in my labor, it may have stalled me a bit. I asked for pain medication but we decided that I should try to get a little further along first. So I labored a bit in the bed and on the toilet. When I was checked again at about 9 pm I was at 5cm, 100% effaced and at 0 station. I was given stadol. I wish I wouldn't have taken it. It really doesn't take away the pain at all, I just was able to zone out between contractions. But then when it wore off about an hour later, I wasn't used to the more intense contractions and so they were now even MORE painful.
So now the stadol had worn off and it is probably about 11pm. I get in the tub and labored in there for about an hour. I was already pushing during some of the contractions but I didn't know I was getting close. When I was checked at 9 pm was the last time I was ever checked, which I appreciated. Then I knew I needed to poop and really didn't want to poop in the bath tub. So I sat on the toilet and labored there for about an hour. I knew her head was about to come out but for some reason I didn't say anything. I thought I would jinx myself or something. It is the craziest feeling knowing you are about to tear and pushing through it. Finally I felt head pop out and I said, "I think she is crowning," while lifting myself off the toilet and getting onto all fours. My midwife said, "That is not crowning, the head is already delivered!" Everybody then scrambled to get pads and blankets on the floor and then, plop!, I pushed her the rest of the way out. The midwife caught her and handed her to me between my legs. It was crazy. I think Brad was really freaking out because he had no idea how close I was to being finished and then there she was all of a sudden. Then after a few minutes of being shocked, there on the bathroom floor, Brad got to cut the cord and hold her as I somehow stood up and got to the bed. It really was a surreal experience.

There is a video of most of this, and if I can get Brad to edit it to save at least a little of my modesty, I might put it up here. If you know me in real life and want to see it, just come on over (as long as you don't mind seeing my boobs)

We are now at home and trying to adjust. Kennedy is a very easy baby so far. She likes to suckle a lot though and my nipples do not appreciate it. I am very tired and sore. Brad is the best husband and father. He is helping me with everything and I have to remind him to rest or I know he will run himself out. He is only sad because he can't breastfeed as well to take some of the workload off me!

We are definitely still planning on cloth diapering, but I think we will wait until both her poop changes, and I am less sore and more able to help with laundry and everything.

She is here!!!!

Our daughter, Kennedy Mae was born early Sunday morning. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and still can't really believe I did it. I am working on the birth story but it will probably take me a while because I feel like I have been hit by a truck.

The day has come...

Nope, no baby yet; but as of eight minutes ago, it is now officially my due date. My mother-in-law is in town to visit Brad's grandma in the hospital. Unfortunately they have to leave tomorrow. That totally sucks because it means they most likely won't be able to see the baby (unless I go into labor and have the baby by tomorrow midday, probably not going to happen).

I know I should be appreciating all this free time in which I have been reading, watching Friends, playing games online, etc. but I really just can't wait to meet her. It is the craziest feeling knowing that at any time, most likely within the next week, my life is going to change forever. There really is no way to prepare for it; right now my life is the same as it has been, and then all at once, it won't ever be the same again.

I will update as soon as I can after her birth.....

Almost there....

Wow, another post. It has only been over two months. How are you all? Well this will probably be my last post before our little girl shows herself. I am 37w4d. I have no idea when she will come, but she can't stay in there longer than 30 more days (two weeks late), hopefully way sooner than that. I am now on a leave of absence from beauty school. I wanted to stay longer, but since the baby has dropped I can't stand or walk around for hours at a time; I get bad leg pain and numbing. So for the last week I have been hanging at home and nesting. We just had our baby shower last weekend. It was awesome. We did two great activities that I think should be done at every shower; decorated blank onesies with fabric and made an alphabet book for the baby. Here are some pics:







Also, I made a fabric pennant banner that says our daughter's name, Kennedy Mae. I couldn't get a good picture of it up, but here is a close up of a couple of the pennants. It was super easy because I did the no sew version where you cut out a diamond of fabric and then fold it in half over yarn and hot glue gun it together. Easy.







I really still can't believe I am going to have a baby. But I will post again with pictures of my newborn baby girl!!!!!